EXPECTING LIFE

Saturday, April 26, 2003

Downtime

I'm sitting here, three days from a shave, face itching like a two-year bum. Mind is racing. As I mentioned earlier, I have had a down day. When the feet won't walk the brain begins to run. I wonder what else I could be doing with my life. The whole thing. Not the right-now life. I have that pretty figured out. But I look back at some things, and look forward to others.

I should have stayed in basketball. Tenth grade I skipped sports to become a loser. I succeeded admirably, only to find out I was a loser (go figure). Maybe it is the wistful voice of Norah Jones playing in my ears (and on my MP3 player), but I started thinking I should have worked harder back then to get to where I am now. My body is willing now, but I am missing a lot of the fundementals I should have learned back then. I am not sure I am still talking about basketball anymore. For two years I wandered a twisted path. A lot of people say they wander a path, but they don't know what wandering is until they have killed their ambition with pot and worthless friends. So far two are in prison. One still lives in a basement. His parents' basement, of course. I haven't heard form the others. I hope no news is good news for them, but I have my doubts.

I should have let Lars reach out to me. He tried. Really, he was the only one from the new group of friends I could have been close to. I always had Adam and Mike, and for that I am thankful. But Lars had a certain way that makes me wish I could have been a little nicer. It's not just because Tiny Dancer is playing now, I really htink guys develop deeper bonds then women do. We are quicker to anger, but quicker to forgive. And we understand little thing sare just little things.

I need to get my book done. The first one is a bust-for now. I can't seem to write what I want. It is a deeper story, so I am sure I have to be deeper for it to work. The backbrner is a fine place for it, for now. Let it stew. But this one flows very well. It has a good plot that keeps on growning. It has two characters you want to find out more about. I actually don't know how it will end-and I'm a planner. It started with a dark ending, but it is growing away form me now. I have to get back to it to see how it will end. I am lucky enough to be a reader who can write.

This summer might be a good time. I am not sure how it will be living at home all summer. I haven't done that since I was a mid-teen. I get along better with my Mom and Clint, but I don't want to fuck that up, either. I need to stay out of the way when I can. Catch up on my writing and my lifting. Take some time for me. Mom tells me we won't have the land area I need to build my own log cabin. That disappoints me-I wanted to see if I could create something big. Maybe the book will be that. I am not sure, but I think I would rather build a cabin this summer. I like working with my hands, and I like seeing things come together. This book is out of my control. I am spectating as I write. You can't spectate building a cabin-especially when you are the sole builder.

Next semester I am moving in with Car. I don't get nervous about moving in with her-I get nervous of our neighbors-of bills-really it's all about change right now. Car and I will live with anything, but I don't want her to have to settle. Sometimes she needs to tell me when things aren't going right. I have such a hard time taking my own blinders off. This summer wil be rough without her-we don't have the built in excuse of camp keeping us apart-so it will be our own fault if we don't get together. I worry about things like that (Jude Law and a Semester at Sea is playing, now). Remember, Car, you have a boy back in the states :)

I wondered if I could walk on to the Bemidji Squad next year. Turns out they don't even have open try-outs. I am not sure it would matter i nany case-I am not that level of a player. Maybe this summer I will prove myself wrong on that front, too. Mom should get a rim up for me. I want to Be Like Mike-and work my tail off.

Wow, I am rambling. I've got rambling on my mind. People reading this would think I was on drugs, except they all know me. I won't even take aspirin anymore. I am high on life now, people.

there we go! Now my arms are sore form the workout. I was wondering when that would come. They are getting stiff, that means I did something right. If the weather holds, I will go play basketball at dark to loosen them up. My knees are still holding out-three days in a row. Need to get my belly in line with the rest of my body though. Can't be one of those guys with the big shoulders and the hard mound of gut. Don't need a six pack-just two will do.

Ok, free form over class. Listening to Tuesday's Gone, hoping mine isn't.

~ "Write the bad things that are done to you in sand, but write the good things that happen to you on a piece of marble."
-Arabic Parable

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