Friday, January 20, 2006

HALF AN ASS

I have not always had the strongest work ethic, and for the most part, that was ok. I skated through highschool and college purely on intelligence. I did not have to "buckle down" to get A's. In fact, I think I probably studied a total of 20 hours in my whole college career.

But I really do hate half-assing things. Those two thoughts seem incongruent, but I assure you, they are not. If I was making the grade without effort, I don't think I was half assing it, I think I was just meeting expectations. And those 20 hours I put in were to get the grade when pure brains wasn't enough.

Lately, though, I have been a half-asser. As a supervisor, I had a lot of challenging fun setting up a rewarding program for my staff and my clients. I really feel like I did a bit of good for my company, and made some positive changes.

But now the change period is over. There really is nothing left to fix. Which means my capacity as a supervisor is to listen to complaints (ones that I cannot do anything about), take clients places that need supervision, and fill out paperwork. That last is, no exaggeration, the bane of my existence.

And as my hours dwindle, and my attention to every detail fades, my bosses find more and more "busy work" for me. I despise busy work. I would rather not get paid, and only put in ten hours a week, than do things that have no meaning (see above re: paperwork). And when the busy work doesn't fly, and because THEY still have to find things to do, I get rule changes. Like this one: "Please tell us if you are leaving town, just so we know" Which is a far cry from, "We want you to have a private life outside of work, and we want it to be completely separate" Yeah, that one got to me.

So did the certain parent (I have written about several times) who decided nothing would ever be good enough. I got a call this week (while trying to relax with my fiancee) making sure I included cotton balls in my client's home kit, because four weeks ago they ran out. I am not making that up.

There are, literally, hundreds of other small things I could write about. And they bug the hell out of me. But really, the thing that bugs me the most is I wake up and I don't care to do anything about it. I don't want to keep fighting a system I don't agree with. So I just do what is required, and nothing more, and even that I put off. That is the real problem.

So, effective in the next 60 days, I have asked my employers to find another to be supervisor. I will stay on in a more limited capacity, because I really do care for my clients, and I love the opportunities this job has given me, but I will no longer supervise the program.

I have applied, already, as a pharmacy tech here in town. It's a normal 9-5 with a boss and normal duties. I will not have to answer phone calls at midnight, asking me for the tenth time if I can come sign a check. I will not have to ask permission to be normal. I will not have to care what happens to the program (I still will, mind, but it will be my choice).

SO yeah, if you are astute, and reading between the lines, I am rationalizing, and will miss it, crazy as that sounds. And yeah, I feel like I am letting myself and everyone down. But you know what, I have to do this.

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