Monday, February 12, 2007


Man, for a slow weekend, I sure did figure out a lot.

Here's a short list, complete with primers:

1) Models, when viewed close, are not nearly as attractive as when viewed from a distance.

I went to a show at the barfly, which is a dirty, dirty establishment. I was there to support a friend who had designed some lingerie, and to view said lingerie on what I had expected to be beautiful women.

Instead, the most twig-like, sleep and food deprived parade of limp human flesh was presented for my viewing horror. It was stunningly terrible to watch, like some modern day death march. I was not, even for a second, remotely attracted to any of these supposed attractive people

2) Gay guys are fun.

Yeah, I said it, and I'll say it again: Gay guys are fun. I knew this before, but I figured out why this weekend, and it made all the difference. I only hang out with gay guys at bars, whether I am drunk or sober, and I couldn't grasp why it was. But here it is:

Girls at bars only want to have sex. If you do not think this is true, you have not been where I have been. But they have every agenda a man does at these places. The problem is, I don't. It's nice to get noticed, but I go home to sleep with my wife (and most the time, just that). But the women there cannot carry on a conversation without that always underneath.

And as cruel and unjust as it is to them, gay guys can. They might still want to sleep with me, but they cannot actually try, because I am a married heterosexual. So we can get down to actually talking about interesting topics, of which they are already one up: they have a non traditional lifestyle that is almost always more interesting than the chicks at a bar! And most of them still like sports, movies, and music, which is just about all I care to talk about with people I don't know. So I can be flirted with, without having to stop and explain the futility, and I can have an intelligent conversation, and I can avoid the very forward of the opposite sex, who do not seem to care that I have a shining reminder of my fidelity just glittering every time I wave my hand at them.

3) My relationship with my close friends, and especially my relationship with my wife, is about as functional and normal as I think can be had. Spike and Libby are down right boring, and I love them for it. Drew had some great insights, and was keen on letting everyone else (mostly me) say their peace before dropping them. Chad challenges me to put into words the most obscure of my thoughts, and then challenges those thoughts in an attempt to explain his own.

And none of them ever get mad at this dynamic, or even wishes it changed. We all have our parts to play, and they only work when we are all playing them. And I would not have noticed this is a new/old friend had not tried to jump into our play in progress, and failed so admirably.

And my wife has no problem with me going places without her, and coming back tired and confused, and just letting me be. And I have no problem leaving her for the weekend, knowing full well I can do nothing (both in her eyes and in practice) to mess up what a wonderful thing I have.

I am so close now, and the anticipation of it makes me almost giddy. Soon I will be able to say, without pause or exaggeration, that mine is truly the perfect life.

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