Saturday, March 10, 2007

GONE IN SIXTY MINUTES

Look out Nick Cage, Joshua Page is in town!

This morning I went out to my car, quite early, to go to work. My key would not turn the ignition. I tried again. I tried harder. I tried HARD. Nothing. The thing would not turn. I went to take the key out, and the whole damned ignition tumbler came with it.

Now, either I am the strongest man alive (which is what Joe thinks) or something was wrong with the ignition to start with. Flash back to a few weeks ago, when my car was broken into, and you can probably guess what I am thinking.

Be that as it may, I still had the problem of getting my car started. I had to get to work, because my boss was out of town, and I knew he would call at precisely 9 am to see if I was there. Yes, he does that. No, I don't like it. So what is a guy to do?

Well, I tried the key a few more times, in futility, with the tumbler sort of attached. That, you may already know, does not work. I tried forcing it to turn with a screwdriver. That didn't work, either. But it did remind me of something I had heard of from my hoodlum days. It is called the "Chicago Punch." And it works like this: You take a screwdriver, stick it into the ignition, then bang on it with a hammer until it strips everything out and you can turn the thing.

Yeah, that wasn't happening. I banged that like Anna Nicole Smith banged rich old guys (what, too soon?). It didn't budge. And I knew what I would have to do.

I called my wife to come pick me up for work.

Ok, Ok, that's not what I had to do to fix the car, but I really needed to get to work. And work was long, and all I could think about was the stupid car and we had to get into it, because the other car was going to the shop for body work and we didn't want to hassle with a rental and that's the whole reason we got two cars in the first place and and and. . .

And finally it was time to go home and fix it. I needed a star hex to get into the ignition housing, so I went to Wal-Mart (yup) and picked up a set. And then I had to pop two tabs out of the ignition, with a screwdriver and a hammer (thanks, Chicago!), and that was that. It is really easy to steal a car, folks. And now it is easier to steal mine.

All told, it took me about 45 minutes. With practice, and a little luck, I could get that down to a good two minutes. If I carried a spare ignition I could even do it in one. And with no visible damage.

Now, I just need to pick up a cool leather jacket and a copy of "Lowrider"

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